Off World Influence
by troubledXlouie
Summary: Jack sees Sam looking at...questionable content on the internet. Fluff.


Jack was really bored. So bored that playing with his toes seemed like a pretty good idea right now. Or going and pouring an ice-cold bucket of water on Jonas and see how many Earth curse words he really had learned, not just that he admitted to. Or, even, (he grinned at the thought) make up an excuse to go see Carter. That sounded the most appealing, though the Jonas one was close in second. 

He got up and started to walk out of the room, humming to himself. He didn't realize what he was humming until he got to the second verse. It was the McGyver theme song!_ Dammit, Carter, this is all your fault!_ Jack was still grinning, though. He had no idea why he was in such a good mood all of a sudden. It was probably because...um...the coffee was really good this morning. Not because he was going to see Carter. Nope.

He got to her familiar doorway and stepped inside, leaning on the frame. He just stood for a second and watched her. She was staring intently at the computer screen, which he noticed was turned away from the door so if someone walked in (like he was) then they couldn't see what she was looking at. Jack, having the mind that he had, grinned as he considered what she could be looking at. _Oh, Carter, you're a bad girl!_

The Black Ops trained Colonel was silent for a few more minutes, enjoying watching his 2IC read something with such intensity. She occasionally moved her hand, clicking on something. Jack was also throughly enjoying the ideas that were popping into his head about what she could be looking at.

"Hey, Carter!" Jack said finally, with a smug look on his face. His voice was slightly softer then normal, a tone he reserved for when he was with her alone. Sam jumped and looked over to her door.

"How long have you been there?" She asked, a amused look spreading across her face. Jack crossed the room and pulled up a chair, flipped it over, and sat on it so his hands were resting on the back.

"A while." He grinned. "Watcha looking at?" Jack got up and tried to look at Sam's computer screen, but whatever she was looking at was quickly minimized.

"Uh, nothing, sir."

"Uh huh." Jack raised his eyebrows as he saw what was at the bottom of the screen. There were several programs minimized...he scanned them. Pinball, (What the netu was that? He promised himself he would find out later), a web address in a different language but he could make out the word 'penguin', and then finally, "What is your-".

Damn, damn, damn! The screen cut off at that and he couldn't see what it was. Jack considered his options. He could go on and try to forget about it, and go back to doing his report like he was supposed to be doing, he could forget about it and hang out here, bug the hell out of Sam until she told him, or find out with his own course of action. Well, of course, being Jack, he chose the last one. The chair was next to her, so he should have no problem. He would just get up, go behind her, grab the mouse, and un-minimize it. That's all.

"So, Carter, what are you up to?" Jack knew he was risking his life at her answer, knowing it would probably be something about a new mineral or some science thing, but he decided it was a risk that he was willing to take. He had to sound causal. Sam gave him a strange look. He was being awfully weird, but then again, she was thinking about Jack, so you had to give exceptions.

"Um, nothing, si-Oh!" Sam shrieked as Jack quickly got up behind her and put his hand over her's (it wasn't his fault that her hand was on the mouse the time he decided to attack. Woah. Attack. Don'tthinkaboutthatdon'tthinkaboutthatonthebase.Inherlab.) and guided it to the offending tab. But by that time Sam had realized what was happening and had started to fight back. She hit her head back against his chest, and pushed her chair back. Hesowansn'tenjoyingthisyouarenotenjoyingthisJack! He started to laugh and fought harder against her. His hand held her other arm in place against her chest.

Just then, Siler walked by with his big wrench. He glanced into Sam's lab and stopped at what he saw. Were Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill wrestling each other for the computer mouse? Jack just happened to glance at the door and he stopped moving. Sam was still struggling until she realized her captor had stopped and was very aware that his hand was still on hers.

They just stood there for a second, staring at each other. Jack tried to put on his "Colonel" face while holding his 2IC's hand. He thumb brushed the opposite side of Siler so he couldn't see.

"Not a word, or the whole base knows about you and Nurse-"

"Agreed." Siler said quickly before Jack could get out the whole name. He started walking again, shaking his head as if he was trying to forget the whole thing. Sam and Jack both listened to his footsteps grow softer, all the while enjoying being so close together. Jack decided to take advantage of the situation and all at once he stopped rubbing her hand with his thumb (woah, when had that started?) and moved the curser over to the tab. He clicked on it and didn't move until he had read the title. It looked like a quiz of sorts. The title said: What's your life rated? Jack did a little victory dance around Sam's desk before he pulled up the chair close to Sam's and started to read. Sam, by the way, was pouting. Damn, that woman had the most adorable pout! But there was no way in netu that was going to stop him.

"Finish the quiz, then." Jack smiled sweetly at her. Sam glared at him and moved his hand to the side. She finished taking the quiz quickly and pressed the "What's your life rated?" button. They both saw the results page and Jack burst out laughing. Sam's life was rated "R"!

"Shut up." Sam muttered, but she was grinning too.

"Ohhh! We have a naughty little major here, don't we!" Jack realized what he had said and glanced to see Sam's reaction, but it wasn't anything bad. So, therefor, Jack saw no reason to stop. "What did you do to be rated "R"?"

"Actually, it's what I think about doing is what is "R" rated. I'm surprised it's not NC17." Sam froze when she saw Jack staring at her. Oh, she just admitted she had fantasys about her commanding officer to her commanding officer...she was so dead...

Instead of exploding about regulations, Jack got a smug look on his face. "Oh, really?" He was about to say something else when Jonas and Teal'c walked in together, Jonas holding a banana in one hand, and another in the other.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Jonas said through a mouthful of banana. Jack moved away from Sam quickly and his voice wasn't as soft anymore.

"Nothing, just found out that Carter's life is rated "R"." Jonas frowned. "It means that she-" Sam kicked his leg.

"I believe, JonasQuinn, it is a Earth movie rating. An "R" rated movie would require an adult to occupy a child going to see it below 17. This would lead one to believe the movie had great violence, language, or sexual content."

"Oh." Jonas raised his eyebrows. "Why is your life rated "R", Sam?"

"Violence." She said quickly. "We fight Gou'alds so much-"

"Bull, Carter." He turned to Jonas. "She daydreams dirty little thoughts, Jonas. That's why her life is rated "R"."Teal'c did his classic expression.

"What is your life rated, O'Neill?" Sam grinned, and looked up at him.

"Yeah, sir, what is your life rated?" She got up and offered him the chair. Jack stuck his toungue out at his 2IC, sat down, and promptly started answering questions.

"Don't stick it out unless you intend to use it, Colonel." Sam muttered. Jack's head shot up. Jonas spit out his banana right in the middle of Teal'c shirt. Teal'c gave Jonas a "Jaffa look".

"Excuse me, Major?" You could tell he was just about to burst into laughter.

"Nothing, Sir." Sam blushed bright red.

"That' s why your life is rated "R", Carter." He promptly continued the quiz. Finally, after much procrastination, thoughtfulness, and blunt answers from the audience (ok, mostly Jonas), Jack was finished. He tautly lingered the curser over the results button.

"Oh come on, Sir!" She clicked the button for him. Jack merely raised his eyebrow at her. Until he saw the results.

"NC17! What!" He cried out. Jonas looked at Teal'c for an explanation.

"No one under 17 is permitted, almost always because it has graphic sexual content."

"Like po-"

"Excatly."

"Colonel, your life is a p-"

"Shut up, Jonas!" During this exchange, Sam was holding onto Jack's shoulder's for support she was laughing so hard.

"You...think "R"...is...bad!" She managed between gasping breaths and laughter.

"Well, let's see how Mr. Stud Teal'c does!" Jack said, trying to push the blame on someone else.

"What do you think about during briefings!" Sam moved with Jack, she was still hanging on to him. Teal'c sat down and rapidly started answering questions. About a minute later, he clicked the results button.

"Teal'c! You dog! Your life is not rated PG13! It has to be at least R!"

"I believe indeed it is rated PG13, O'Neill."

"Jonas, you take it!" Sam was now just leaning on Jack, for no apparent reason. Jack didn't mind. He wouldn't mind if she just happened to need to sit in his lap, either. Or anything else that might have to do with having more contact with Carter. He took the hat off he was wearing and put it on her head. She looked so cute.

Apparently Jonas' life is rated G.

"Your freaking life is not rated G, Jonas Quinn!" Jack yelled, making Sam jump. She started to move away, but Jack made a motion that indicated he didn't want her to move. Sam was ok with that certain decision. She resumed her place at his side.

"It is, Colonel." Jonas said proudly, holding his head up a little higher than usual. Jack glared at him. "You're only jealous because you're life is a por-"

"If there was one thing I'm not, it's jealous. That's it Jonas, there goes your banana." He moved towards Jonas and grabbed the banana right out of his hands. Jonas yelled. Teal'c promptly sat down in the chair Jonas had stood up out of. Sam let out a little shriek, because Jack's fast moving has thrown her towards the door, she was falling...

Someone caught her right in the doorway. Sam got a bad feeling in her gut when she looked around the room and everyone was staring at her. She looked up slowly and visibly flinched when she realized she was in the arms of General Hammond.

The scene froze like that. It looked like someone had pressed the pause button. Jack has been in the middle of squishing Jonas' banana in his face, and his arm was around the smaller man's head. Teal'c had gotten banana on his shirt, and did not look like a happy Jaffa. He had been in the middle of getting up. Sam, who was still wearing Jack's hat, was looking up into the face of a not-so-happy General. He looked at Jack, who was standing stock still.

"Colonel, what the hell...!" There was a thump that had told everyone in the room that the commanding officer of the base had just dropped Sam to the ground. She was now sitting (with Jack's cap) and staring at the banana mess on Jack's hand and Jonas' face. Some of it fell and plopped on his boot. Sam suddenly had a urge to burst out laughing. Jack, who knew he was going to laugh if he spoke, opened his mouth and closed it.

There went his promotion to one-star general.

Jack looked straight into the face of his commanding officer.

"Off-world influence?"


End file.
